I woke from yet another vivid dream of us walking in the rain. It seems my dreams are living, breathing occurrences, Deja vu. I was sleeping on the couch, I can no longer sleep in my own bed, alone. While sitting on your couch, someone once told me that laying in bed alone felt all too lonely. I never understood it and now I feel it in my bones and it makes my heart stop in my chest. There are some things I just wish I didn’t know. Sometimes my heart can not stand how much it feels. Sometimes, I ignore that shit. Sometimes, I am really good at it.
You have cracked though that wall I carefully built around myself. I cannot put myself back together and the bricks crumble every single time I try to put them back up. I try to tell myself this is a blessing…That one day you will wake, it will be raining and you will think of me and that time we walked in the rain, laughing and not giving a shit about anything but each other. Any wall that you created around yourself will crumble at the thought of me and you won’t be able to piece it back together. You will call me. You will tell me you missed me and the thought of me alone on the couch sleeping bothers you as much as it bothered me once.
Things would be easy and love would be simple and the thought of arguing with you makes me laugh.
I woke from yet another vivid dream being reminded how close we were to having it all.
I dreamt we sat on a bench at
sunset. We spoke of trust and how
it doesn’t come easy for me.
You said I could trust you.
And I realized how faint my heart was.
I shake my head and smile.
I’m not sure why I’m here.
I am locked inside myself,
there is so much I haven’t told you.
I have found exactly what I never knew I wanted.
And here you sit, in a dream, speaking of trust
with your heart wide open
and here I am making deals
quietly to myself,
Please don’t wake me up,
In my chest I feel
the lack of control
of a dream worth having.
I found you.
- uncontrolled, especially in the pursuit of pleasure
- a person who has survived a struggle, but it still strong
- courageous living
- full of fun & high spirits
- frolicsome or sportive
- humorous, jesting
- a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about
- desire for wandering
- a love of experiencing new things
- characteristic unique to a deity
- supremely good, timeless womanly nature
- heavly, goddess-like softness
::Now do something about it all::
I want you to know
I feel more alive when you’re near.
Your laughter has settled into my chest
and your eyes have
a language that I want to learn.
Your darkness shines brighter than
any star and your light fills me whole.
I want you to know
I wish you were here.
“I am a tornado” I said.
I should have known
you are a hurricane.
::We were more than a change in the weather::
You made the list.
All the reasons not to.
All the reasons to move on.
All the reasons why it wasn’t a good idea.
You spoke the words
like little tiny bombs
sabotaging anything that
Don’t ever do it again.
But be kind to yourself
You knew you’d hurt from this.
::Stop saying things you don’t mean, you’re worth more than you’ve allowed.. ::
This woman no longer exists.
She was stunned. She was lost.
She was confused.
She was in so much pain.
I am no longer in this place.
::Let go of the story. It is not you::
A day in May, 2011
Me: “Stop jumping on the couch, you know we do not jump on the couch!”
My four year old daughter: “SHIT!” “Wait, I didn’t say that!”
On our way to visit family.
::Road trips are the best::