You will no longer mess with my head.
I am no longer the same woman you once met.
I am awake and I have no interest in games.
I want to scream at you about how unfair things are. I want to throw myself into the pits of sadness and not get out of bed for days. I want to go out to the middle of no where and scream scream scream until I have no voice left and I can come home and be quiet and no one will ask me to talk, or how I feel, or why I do what I do. I want to be voiceless because I’m afraid of what I’ll say right now. How I might hurt those I love with my words, or my thoughts, or because I am in fact pissed at them also. I want to say to some “How dare you take me for granted, I loved you!”. Or how I want to ask others “What the fuck are you doing to yourself?!” Or how to some I just want to say “I love you” and lay in bed with them for hours because someday they might not be here. Someday might be sooner than later.
And life, while I’m angry at you…. I still think you are amazing and so fucking heart breaking.
And life, please don’t make me do this. Please. I can’t do it.
Thank you for….
Self truths. Dancing. Chocolate cake. Quick work day. More dancing. Bone earings. Wedge shoes. Red ring. Sass. Laughs. Missing. Tears. Missing. Moments. Peace. Steak and Shrimp dinner. School photo clothing shopping. Talks. Letting go. Silly faces.
Looking damn good doing it all.
I woke from yet another vivid dream of us walking in the rain. It seems my dreams are living, breathing occurrences, Deja vu. I was sleeping on the couch, I can no longer sleep in my own bed, alone. While sitting on your couch, someone once told me that laying in bed alone felt all too lonely. I never understood it and now I feel it in my bones and it makes my heart stop in my chest. There are some things I just wish I didn’t know. Sometimes my heart can not stand how much it feels. Sometimes, I ignore that shit. Sometimes, I am really good at it.
You have cracked though that wall I carefully built around myself. I cannot put myself back together and the bricks crumble every single time I try to put them back up. I try to tell myself this is a blessing…That one day you will wake, it will be raining and you will think of me and that time we walked in the rain, laughing and not giving a shit about anything but each other. Any wall that you created around yourself will crumble at the thought of me and you won’t be able to piece it back together. You will call me. You will tell me you missed me and the thought of me alone on the couch sleeping bothers you as much as it bothered me once.
Things would be easy and love would be simple and the thought of arguing with you makes me laugh.
I woke from yet another vivid dream being reminded how close we were to having it all.
I dreamt we sat on a bench at
sunset. We spoke of trust and how
it doesn’t come easy for me.
You said I could trust you.
And I realized how faint my heart was.
I shake my head and smile.
I’m not sure why I’m here.
I am locked inside myself,
there is so much I haven’t told you.
I have found exactly what I never knew I wanted.
And here you sit, in a dream, speaking of trust
with your heart wide open
and here I am making deals
quietly to myself,
Please don’t wake me up,
In my chest I feel
the lack of control
of a dream worth having.
I found you.